In need of a Laugh?

[crazee4rum]

Well someone emailed this to me, but I thought it was extremely funny. This thread is mainly just for jokes and/or funny emails people send you. (PLease if they're pictures, post them in the picture thread, thanks) So anywho here's the joke.

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN:

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France - Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia , lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia , very wide and borders are un-patrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia , with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan.Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq -
ruled by a dick.


crazee4rum

[Kinki]

That is too funny! Haha thanks for sharing.

[nibbles]

Just some words of wisdom from George Carlin....

I don't need a bigger, mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese.

[luckysparrow]

Thanks Gabby those are funny.

[crazee4rum]

He's two?!? Hahahahaha

crazee

[crazee4rum]

double post sorry...

My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God and I didn't.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. (<--that's so my view on people hahahaha)

crazee

[Kinki]

Here's two seperate jokes:

Christmas with Louise:

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace
before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.
What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his
poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went
in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at
Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in
an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an
hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would
buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy
a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in
my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different
models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do
things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable
Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll"
took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning
hours, long after Santa had come and gone. I filled the dangling pantyhose
with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what
remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house
and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some
more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the
hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll." "Who
would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several
candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to
steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she
have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was
Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,
"Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the
fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed
Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually
flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas
at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died,
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise
that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap
in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my
nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began
administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his
chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide
the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a
hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder
drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to
star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her
whenever he can get out of the house.


What a Scotsman Wears Under His Kilt

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large
amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap
against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him,
one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore
nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank
him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the
Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call
of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly
tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where
y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

[Kim]

Jeez, rotfl, I need to hang around here more often. You all are posting some hilarious jokes on here.

[Wildcat Charli]

hahaha i love them!!

[nibbles]

I just received the following from family in Florida!
Those of you in the southern warm climates can appreciate this..

The Ode to Winter...

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.

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SH*T Its Cold!!!!!!!!


(hehehe)

[Kinki]

A few more...(Beware the majority of them have a sexual connotation to them)

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

Why do they make glow in the dark condoms?
So that gay men can play Star Wars

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
He asked her where she was going and she replied, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
He asked her why she was going.
She told him, "I just found out that as a woman I can make $400 a night doing what I give you for free."
He went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
"I'm going too!" he replied.
"Why?" she asked.
"I want to see how you are going to live on $800 a year!"

A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and found it somewhat below normal. The doctor asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
“Breast fed,” the woman replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor asked. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination.
Motioning for her to get dressed he said, “No wonder this baby is under weight! You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his grandmother, but I’m glad I came.”

Listen to others: (My favorite)
A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but found it to be occupied.
The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. “Sir,” she said, “the ladies’ restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”
He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP”, and there was one red button labeled “ATR.”
Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn’t just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men’s restroom didn’t have nice things like this.
Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the “PP” button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies’ room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.
He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.
”What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies’ restroom on a flight to Atlanta!”
“You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. “That last button marked “ATR” is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

[Kim]

Holy hell, I can't stop laughing!!!!!

[Kinki]

A bunch of one liners!

~Amazing how your driving improves when a cop's behind you.~

~Stress: The confusion created when the mind overrides the body's desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who desperately needs it.~

~Dear Santa, all I want is a list of your naughty boys.~

~Make it idiot proof and someone will create a better idiot.~

~He who hesitates too long must change their underwear.~

~Suicide Hotline…please hold~

~If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.~

~Bad cop, no donut.~

~People like that are the reason we have middle fingers.~

~Why is there Braille on the drive up ATM?~

~"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language? Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?~

~4 out of 5 people think the fifth person is an idiot.~

~Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.~

[Captain Jack's Lass]

Hahaha these jokes are funny!!! Loved the man on the airplane in the women's restroom. lol. Keep posting.....

[crazee4rum]

Hahaha lovin' 'em, Nikki!

Stats. show that 1 out of every 4 people is mentally unstable. Check your three best friends, if they're clean, then it's you.

"I want a sandwhich named after me." --Jon Stewart

crazee4rum